.10. forget-me-not
I would like to forget certain things about this past semester:
-A certain someone stabbing me in the back and going out with another certain someone that she should have known was against girl code, sister code, basically any code ever (especially without discussing it with me first and downplaying my feelings/reaction about it.)
-A certain someone ignoring me for a month and a half because he was “scared of a relationship” when I thought I was the one scared of a relationship…
-A certain someone making me fall SO hard, SO fast for him, and then pulling the carpet out from under my feet almost as quickly as it started.
-A certain someone making my job unenjoyable and making me dread going each day when it used to be the highlight of my week to see my babies.
-A certain someone making being scholarship chair a hassle instead of a privilege.
-A certain someone making me frustrated every time I walked around my apartment because it was so dirty…
-A certain few classes that were just a little too hard, a little too stressful, and a little too much for me this semester which caused my 3.187 GPA….lowest I’ve ever had. [Funny enough, I didn’t make below a B this semester - 4 B’s, 1 A = 3.187]
I’m sure there are other things I would love to forget about but those are the main ones. Ah, some of them even haunt my dreams at night and my thoughts during the day. FML.
I’m hoping when I go home in less than a week, I will be able to forget about most of it and come back with a clean slate, ready to have fun, make new memories, and genuinely have a good time.
:)
.09. riddle me this
I don’t understand how things can change so drastically in what feels like such a short amount of time. It’s amazing how you can be one person one day, and a completely different person the next. I look at who I was a month, 6 months, a year ago, and I’m completely different. In some ways, it’s not for the better.
I feel like it’s easier just to forget what has happened in the past and move on. But sometimes that just makes it harder later on; when all those forgotten feelings catch up with you, and you don’t know what else to do but break down. I hide from my problems. I’ve come to that realization. I put them in a box and shove it to the back of the shelf. Every now and then, something shakes that box off the shelf and all the broken pieces fall out, and I don’t know what to do. So I break down. Then I pull myself together, put the pieces back in the box, and continue on like nothing happened.
I forget what it feels like. I forget what it feels like to be so unbelieveably happy with someone. I forget what it feels like to be on cloud 9 and absolutely head over heels for someone. I forget what it feels like to be loved in that special way that only he can love you. I forget what it feels like to be committed to someone other than myself. I forget what it feels like to care about someone else’s well-being and feelings more than I care about my own.
I’m scared. I’m scared it will never happen again. I’m scared I will mess it up if it does happen again. I’m scared I won’t remember how to do it right, how to be committed and love someone like that. I’m scared that I’ve become too skeptical to let anyone get close enough. I’m scared that every heartbreak, every tear, every guy that’s screwed me over has built my wall up so high. I’m scared that no one will want to break it down.
I don’t talk about this enough. I listen to everyone else. But I don’t talk about myself too much. I don’t want to burden anyone. I don’t want them to think I’m stupid, or irrational, or weak. Sometimes, I just don’t know what to think.
This semester has been a roller coaster of emotions. I’m ready to relax this summer: work my ass off to make some money, lay out in Cancun and drink beer with my friends, see my friends and family back home in Indiana, take a couple summer classes before sorority/school stuff start back up. Next semester will be the start of my senior year. Can we say terrifying? I’m at a loss for words as to what comes next.
One day at a time… One day at a time…
